june

I’m starting a new job next week. In my field of choice with security and benefits and everything. It’s what I’ve been hoping for since I graduated two years ago, or maybe even before then. But before you ask: I genuinely don’t know if I’m excited.

Of course, there’s the regular new job anxiety. Will they like me? Will I like them? Will I like the work? Will I be good at it? But there’s something else, too. This uncertainty in the pit of my stomach that is entirely related to the fact that last time I took this chance it was the wrong choice.

There are a lot of parallels between this week and the last time I experienced this, last August. I got the job offer while I was on vacation. I will be working on a website. I’m even leaving the same job, and saying goodbye to the same people. And last time this happened my life as I knew it changed so quickly and so negatively I was left gasping for air.

I don’t want that to happen this time – I’m happy, and I want to stay this way. There’s no reason to think that anything will change besides where I work, but it has before. So I guess my response is that I can’t look forward to anything so that I can’t be disappointed. What a way to live, eh?

Hot tip: refusing to anticipate makes you really, really sad. I have spent most of this year just trying to put myself back together. Why is there even a tiny part of me that wants to stay there? Why am I squishing the hope that something good could happen to me?

For the first time in forever, I can look at my life and think, wow. Look how far I have come. I can come back from September or December or March Linneah. I can make choices that are good for me. I can be healthy. So while I might be leaving the same job to do the same kind of work, I’m not the same person. Since the last time I did this I have cried and laughed and grown in ways I never really imagined I could. The experiences of this last year completely broke me down – but sometimes you need to be broken into pieces in order to be put back together. Insert another metaphor about resilience here.

Despite not being that excited, and definitely being quite afraid, I have a lot of hope. Things don’t have to turn out the same way if I don’t want them to. Here we go.

please enjoy this post from Morgan Harper Nichols that says all of this a whole lot better than I can:

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