uncertainty

Here are some things you might not know about me:

  1. I’m incredibly emotional. I think that’s why I’m so cut out for indev. I have a big heart, and there’s room for pretty much everyone and everything in it.
  2. I get really overwhelmed when I feel that I’ve lost control of a situation. Like, really overwhelmed.

I spend every day battling between my emotional need to see everyone happy and my mental need to control every detail of a situation. When I do lose control, I tend to just shut down. I know how to think on my feet and be flexible, but it is never my first reaction. My first reaction is always always to hide away in my bed and let someone else handle things.

Here is something you definitely do know about me:

  1. I am preparing myself for a career in one of the most uncertain fields possible.

I’m well-suited for indev because I have a big heart and I feel everything. I’m ill-suited for indev because I have a big heart and I feel everything. The past three-ish years of my education have been mostly me coming to terms with the uncertainty of my field. I had such specific goals when I started at UW, and now I’ve managed to stretch them out to a general field I’d like to work in. I still have a particular job I can see myself in, but I’m learning to be okay with the idea that I don’t know what’s going to happen next for me.

In an unfortunate and unexpected series of events last week, I had to move. There was a week in between the time that I left my house and the time that I was able to move my furniture into my new place. Very little in my life changed except for where I slept, but I was basically useless for that entire week. I stepped back from things I really wanted to be involved in because I couldn’t handle the limbo. I even considered asking for extensions on assignments, simply because I couldn’t deal. This little thing, this moving from one house in Waterloo to another, almost wrecked me. In about 8 months, I’m going to fly across the world to a country where I don’t speak the language and know nobody and live there for the better part of a year. This is the life I’ve chosen for myself. Nice.

I filled out a survey for our student council website not too long ago. One of the questions was “What are some hopes/dreams that you hope to reach through your involvement in International Development or SAID?” I’ll leave you with my answer, which is maybe the most honest thing I’ve ever written.

“Professionally, I want to work with municipal governments on urban planning-related environmental sustainability projects, particularly in waste management. Indev has given me the tools to get there. Personally, I want to stay outside my comfort zone. That could mean anything – living abroad, pursuing a demanding career, having a family, not having a family, changing my mind in my 40s and going back to school… this program has challenged me in a million different ways and opened my eyes to a million different things and I think the most important thing I’ve learned is that the world is huge and it’s a shame to stay in my own tiny corner. I don’t want to look back at the end of my life and regret not taking a chance or an opportunity just because maintaining the status quo was easier.”

Wish me luck, guys.

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